Here’s a Shouts & Murmurs submission I sent to the New Yorker. It’s painfully accurate. They didn’t publish it yet but they’ll probably get around to it.
THE GRIPES OF BEING TWELVE NEW YORKERS BEHIND
JANUARY, 2019
By Todd Bradley
To whom it may concern,
Can you guys chill? I mean honestly, could you all take a few weeks of vacation or something. It’s impossible to keep up with a new issue every single week. And it’s starting to throw my life into disarray.
“Do you think Teresa May will keep good on her promise to sherpa the UK through a tumultuous Brexit?” I say one morning, trying to make small talk at my coffee counter. They looked at me like I was from another planet. I’m sorry but aren’t coffee shops for discussing semi-current events? I’ll pay extra for ice but not to be disrespected, thank you very much.
And don’t get me started about trying new restaurants. I’m sick of getting my hopes up after reading Tables For Two, only to head over to try and tuck into a jucy bavette steak at the bar while sweaty customers fan away the simmering summer heat with their coasters, only to be turned away because the restaurant is now a Japanese suitcase pop up store. And they don’t serve food.
I need a drink from whatever bar was in that issue.
It isn’t just what’s going on about town either. I’m getting really sick of my letter to the editor being rejected because, “unfortunately we’ve already printed the April 5th issue, sir. You can access it in our archives anytime on our website with your digital subscription.” I had a massively underreported take to add to the conversation about the trippy, high-speed world of drone racing. You’ve robbed your readers of that.
And wait, while we’re here, what did you think of my submission to the weekly cartoon caption contest? My captions are always more clever than the ones that ultimately win. And sure that might be because I have the benefit of seeing the winning caption before I write my own. But that doesn’t make mine any less pithy or witty. Please see “HorseInABoardroom_May2018.doc” attached again for your convenience, and reconsider.
Lately, I find myself skipping right to the fiction section. Which is all well and good but then I take your recommendations and buy those books. And then I read some of those books on the subway and my New Yorker stack just grows. It’s a cycle almost as vicious as the one General HR McMaster currently finds himself in, trying to explain complicated daily briefings to the president who is, “more of a visual person.” I really hope they stick it to these clowns in the upcoming Midterms.
I hope you can understand my concern.
P.S. Please do not print this. Because if I’m ever going to catch up I really need to prioritize which sections I read and I’m afraid I might miss it.